Pre-bout

CCR's final bout of the season is at State College tomorrow. I'll be skating with two names written on my arms. Alma and Esther, this one's for you. A happy 104 to one and prayers/thoughts going to both.

Finding joy

Our last home bout is a little over a week away and I've been pushing extra hard on the training side and shortchanging myself in terms of my body's recovery time. So to make a long story short, I sat out tonight's practice.

I was motivated to sit out tonight's practice;
a)to take care of myself (because it's just the smart thing to do)
b)to ensure I'm physically fit for next week's bout.

I actually WENT to practice because;
c)I was expected to be at practice
d)I wanted to be social
e)I was hoping to be able to contribute to
f)we had a league meeting (ie routine bizness to talk about)

And while I was AT practice my teammates:
g)acknowledged that I was doing the smart thing by sitting out to take care of myself
h)expressed dismay at the potential for my not being fit for next week's bout
i)asked why I wasn't practicing with them as expected
j)specifically invited me to join them for a chat
k)thanked me for being a part of their day and positively contributing to it

and lastly;
j)we had our league meeting and took care of bizness

If you noticed, a-e (my personal factors) matched up with f-j (the actions of others). I guess I could also just say that my goals/expectations matched up with others' goals/expectations.

On a purely emotional level, I was internally screaming:
OH MY GOSH PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME.

Okay, I'm probably the only one who really really cares about that. But I think it's something ALL women (especially derby girls) should be aware of and promoting amongst themselves. In other (less self-centered) words, building communities.

We have the phrase "derby wife" in derby-land. Someone you just "get" and they reciprocate. That sister from another mother. When you find one, it's amazing and can do wonderful things to help your self-esteem, confidence and motivation.

But what about the rest of the league/team? Are you/your league able to foster an environment where individuals feel valued and respected? Are you able to respect others and value their contributions AND ALSO express that respect and appreciation to them in a way which makes others feel valued and respected? Both within the context of the overall group and to individuals on a more personalized level?

I moan and groan to my husband all the time about the challenges I face and the things that annoy/frustrate/upset me in derby. I *try* to also express the joy and satisfaction I feel as a Royal Pain. I've got the annoying habit of being a bit negative when I express myself, so it's a constant challenge to turn my phrasing around to shine a positive light on things. I'm working on it. :-)

Anyho, this post is pretty much an attempt to mark another challenging, yet satisfying evening as Crown City's Delicate Flower. As I mentioned, I sat out during practice. I'm HORRIBLE at watching sports. I can't sit still; it's just too torturous to me. Well... I did it tonight. And I did it totally thanks to others' support.

You see, I don't play derby just to skate fast and certainly not to be a "superstar". I play it for my sanity's sake. I *need* the regular physical exertion, personal interactions and sense of community that come with roller derby. My joy lays in recognizing and acknowledging that my presence makes a positive contribution to someone's day. Most of the time, just knowing that I skated my butt off and learned something or shared an experience with someone is enough to provide satisfaction while maintaining that yearning hunger for more.

This time last year I felt that I was kicking butt on the track as far as my skating skills went, but I didn't feel that I was making a positive contribution to anyone's day. Not only was I not making a positive contribution, but it seemed that no matter what I did I was negatively influencing my team and the individuals that I most cared about. My heart was broken and left scattered on the track to get run over again and again and again as the rest of the league zoomed on by. And that was just the practice part of derby in my life.


This year?

My heart is still broken.

Broken wide open.



I don't think I'll ever fully put my heart back together again.

And I don't want to.

I've learned to embrace life with an open heart and to meet the world with a new inner strength.

When I've felt particularly "delicate" (and also just plain out of the blue), my league and it's community of supporters have picked up the scattered pieces of my heart and return them to me, along with a bit of their own hearts.

I feel like I've come home to family after a long absence.



(And please, take a moment to think of all those you know who are struggling with *something* in their lives right now. If you have the opportunity, let them know that they matter or just that you are thinking of them. I've got a few people I'm thinking of and hoping for.)

Tolerance, responsibility and choice.

I don't want to be told what to think, buy, support or do. I want the CHOICE to think, to purchase, to support and to do. I want the FREEDOM to make a CHOICE.

I also want the freedom to protect, to serve and to create. To live life as an intelligent human being who understands that we are all each individually responsible for both our actions and in-actions.

One voice can change the world. One voice can change A world. One voice can prevent change. It all comes back to a choice.

Do you choose to be silenced? Do you choose to let others be silenced so that your world appears as you think it ought?

Do you challenge yourself to not only hear others' voices, but to let others hear your own? There is no tolerance in your world if you all hear and see is what you already think and believe.

And do you remember that even when we are all silent, our actions speak for us?

I support free speech and a responsible citizenship. We have one, how do we build the other? And why don't we each start with ourselves? You might find that you have a bigger influence on others' behavior and beliefs than you thought.

I say this all because really, I just want to see what kind of awesome you choose to be. That's my flavor of reality show.

Garden update

The garden has taken off with the recent heat and the mulch I put down has helped tremendously. The fall-planted garlic is nearly ready to pull. (Thank goodness! They're currently in one of my paths due to a shifting of garden beds this year.) I pulled up the Yukon (I think) potatoes, and one of the fingerlings. All of the lettuce got cut down to just a few leaves. The biggest squash has hidden the peppers. Sweet potatoes have started to extend their vines. Cucumbers are moving slowly. Onions are starting to thicken up. The beans I planted recently (last week? two weeks ago?) have sprouted and thus far avoided the ravages of the two remaining bantam chickens. Corn is nearly waist-high. Tomatoes are starting to set fruit. Transplanted herbs all seem to have finally taken root. The cover crop peas have been pulled and placed aside to dry for seed. The two-year old onion, leek and celery are almost ready to be saved for seed.

ECDX 2012

Went to Team USA boot camp and ECDX 2012 in Philly. FANTASTIC time.

The resultant catch-up with work/house/class/derby? Oi.

It's in the small things, really.

I've been struggling to put into words for eight months the reasons behind my deciding to leave my former roller derby league and to become a Royal Pain with the Crown City Rollerz. Tonight as I was driving home from practice, I realized what those words are. "It was the small things."

Those small things snowballed into bigger things and eventually it dawned on me that all those "things" had gotten me really messed up. I'd spend all day talking/thinking/doing derby things and go to practice stressed out and leave practice stressed out. The days that I wasn't stressed out, someone else was stressed out and it somehow became my stress. My husband wanted nothing to do with derby and would often worry about my getting hurt. And I was getting hurt. All the time.

So step one was realizing that I wasn't who I wanted to be in a whole lot of areas of my derby life. Nor was I likely to become who I wanted to be if I stayed the course. *I* wasn't growing and learning in a healthy manner. And furthermore, not only was I being harmed, but I was hurting others and doing them injustices in the process.

So what were my options for step two? Walk away from derby? I'd rather live without music than live without derby. I've never experienced such a community of strength, growth and courage. Derby lives in the hearts of thousands of fans, volunteers, skaters, coaches and trainers around the world. AROUND THE WORLD.
In less than a decade, modern roller derby went from it's renewal in Austin, TX to (literally) the other side of the world. My mother's generation grew up with Title IX. My grandmothers never had a chance to play team sports. Now, thanks to all those thousands of derby-loving hearts, not only do I get to play sports (as I've grown up doing) but grandmothers who have never been "athletic" in their life can have those same experiences that have meant so much to me and my peers.
I love coaching and seeing those bulbs go off in others' heads. Have you ever seen someone's expression change as they realize that their mentality is the mindset of an individual and that they need to think as part of a team in order to succeed? And then see them further realize that they've never actually had reason to think as part of a team? (Especially never as part of a team of capable women just like themselves.) We all need to be able to skate and "turn left" out there, but it's the ones who can strategize and out-think their opponents that really push us to new levels. To see the bombs explode in someone's head as they learn new strategy is amazing to me. To see those bombs go off in someone who is learning in a completely novel way is absolutely mind-boggling astounding.
I grew up knowing what it was like to play sports as part of a team. Yes, I was often the rarity in male-dominated contact sports but there were high school and all-female teams available if I was willing to travel. There are thousands of mothers and grandmothers alive today who never had the means nor the opportunity in their typical American upbringing to play a contact sport. I'm honored to skate with daughters of the "Greatest Generation" and hope that we see many more on the track.

Anyho... back to my step two. Obviously, leaving derby wasn't really a choice for me. Transferring to CCR became the clear and obvious choice after I spent two weeks as their guest skater while I was preparing to bout with the neighboring BC Rollers in their bout against SCAR.


But do you know what really made the decision rest easy for me?

CCR welcomed my husband.

My husband who now has derby friends.

My husband who now volunteers at bouts.

My husband who is now able to experience pride and joy when his wife skates, instead of fear.

My husband who has since taken up several of the things he used to do, which had fallen by the wayside for one reason or another. The things that made me fall in love with him in the first place.


Want to know what "small things" really prompted this blog post?

2 thoughts: "I'm glad my husband had a chance to see his derby girls tonight."
And: "Boy, I'd forgotten how fun it is to drive his truck!"


So thank you, Crown City Rollerz. For more reasons than you shall ever know, or I could ever express.

With hugs and shoves,
Delicate Flower


P.S.- Kat, I made it home safely. ;-)

We've signed up for a Spring CSA through Good Life Farm for the month of May, with add-ons from Wide Awake Bakery and Double E Shiitakes. Last week was our first pickup, and boy was it tasty!

From Good Life:
Asparagus of various sizes (hard frosts overnight meant that ALL above-ground asparagus had to be harvested, or lost)
Spicy Red Mustard Greens (from Remembrance farm)
Crunchy Bean Sprouts (Dancing Turtle)
Radishes- Very small and tasty, about the size of a large marble! Very good combined with the mustard greens and bean sprouts.
Sorrel- Haven't tried these yet. Recommendation is to NOT saute them.

Since it was our first pick-up, we also received a jar of pickled ginger (gari)!

From Wide Awake:
Two bags of pizza dough- The baker was at Good Life when we made our pick-up and he said the recipe is still a work in progress. The dough tore easily and I wasn't a huge fan of it due to the sourdough flavoring that got more intense when I had the leftover pizza for lunch.

From Double E:
A pint of shiitake mushrooms. Nom. We cut these up and put them on the pizza, of course!

Saturday was Good Life Farm's "Asparaganza". We got yummy food from both The Piggery and Crooked Carrot. Fried asparagus, apple radish slaw, a pickled egg and beets from Crooked Carrot.

Note to self: Don't post about delicious foods before lunch!