Finding joy

Our last home bout is a little over a week away and I've been pushing extra hard on the training side and shortchanging myself in terms of my body's recovery time. So to make a long story short, I sat out tonight's practice.

I was motivated to sit out tonight's practice;
a)to take care of myself (because it's just the smart thing to do)
b)to ensure I'm physically fit for next week's bout.

I actually WENT to practice because;
c)I was expected to be at practice
d)I wanted to be social
e)I was hoping to be able to contribute to
f)we had a league meeting (ie routine bizness to talk about)

And while I was AT practice my teammates:
g)acknowledged that I was doing the smart thing by sitting out to take care of myself
h)expressed dismay at the potential for my not being fit for next week's bout
i)asked why I wasn't practicing with them as expected
j)specifically invited me to join them for a chat
k)thanked me for being a part of their day and positively contributing to it

and lastly;
j)we had our league meeting and took care of bizness

If you noticed, a-e (my personal factors) matched up with f-j (the actions of others). I guess I could also just say that my goals/expectations matched up with others' goals/expectations.

On a purely emotional level, I was internally screaming:
OH MY GOSH PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME.

Okay, I'm probably the only one who really really cares about that. But I think it's something ALL women (especially derby girls) should be aware of and promoting amongst themselves. In other (less self-centered) words, building communities.

We have the phrase "derby wife" in derby-land. Someone you just "get" and they reciprocate. That sister from another mother. When you find one, it's amazing and can do wonderful things to help your self-esteem, confidence and motivation.

But what about the rest of the league/team? Are you/your league able to foster an environment where individuals feel valued and respected? Are you able to respect others and value their contributions AND ALSO express that respect and appreciation to them in a way which makes others feel valued and respected? Both within the context of the overall group and to individuals on a more personalized level?

I moan and groan to my husband all the time about the challenges I face and the things that annoy/frustrate/upset me in derby. I *try* to also express the joy and satisfaction I feel as a Royal Pain. I've got the annoying habit of being a bit negative when I express myself, so it's a constant challenge to turn my phrasing around to shine a positive light on things. I'm working on it. :-)

Anyho, this post is pretty much an attempt to mark another challenging, yet satisfying evening as Crown City's Delicate Flower. As I mentioned, I sat out during practice. I'm HORRIBLE at watching sports. I can't sit still; it's just too torturous to me. Well... I did it tonight. And I did it totally thanks to others' support.

You see, I don't play derby just to skate fast and certainly not to be a "superstar". I play it for my sanity's sake. I *need* the regular physical exertion, personal interactions and sense of community that come with roller derby. My joy lays in recognizing and acknowledging that my presence makes a positive contribution to someone's day. Most of the time, just knowing that I skated my butt off and learned something or shared an experience with someone is enough to provide satisfaction while maintaining that yearning hunger for more.

This time last year I felt that I was kicking butt on the track as far as my skating skills went, but I didn't feel that I was making a positive contribution to anyone's day. Not only was I not making a positive contribution, but it seemed that no matter what I did I was negatively influencing my team and the individuals that I most cared about. My heart was broken and left scattered on the track to get run over again and again and again as the rest of the league zoomed on by. And that was just the practice part of derby in my life.


This year?

My heart is still broken.

Broken wide open.



I don't think I'll ever fully put my heart back together again.

And I don't want to.

I've learned to embrace life with an open heart and to meet the world with a new inner strength.

When I've felt particularly "delicate" (and also just plain out of the blue), my league and it's community of supporters have picked up the scattered pieces of my heart and return them to me, along with a bit of their own hearts.

I feel like I've come home to family after a long absence.



(And please, take a moment to think of all those you know who are struggling with *something* in their lives right now. If you have the opportunity, let them know that they matter or just that you are thinking of them. I've got a few people I'm thinking of and hoping for.)